On the off chance I might have remembered all my data, eh there might be spoilers!
After 9 hours of Hobbiton my brain is fried and I seem to have lost my notes so we are just going to wing it on this one, no notes required let’s see how well my cinencyclopedic ADD brain held it together.
So how much trouble could they have saved?
- Well the wizard Harry says to young hobbiter something along the lines of “to be a hero you have to know when to let someone live not just when to kill someone” so if he had killed the greedy ring hoarder Dobby (completely absent his sock of freedom, ungrateful little elf. oh wait he’s an elf too? so is he the brother of sword wielding Malfoi what’s his name legoland elf? I’d talk to mom about that they look so different, like maybe even adopted) the first 3 movies might never have been made? Imagine how much budget money that would have saved?
- Or when the Wizard (again he gets all the good lines and then goes off to lunch with the Queen) says to them along the lines of “don’t go in the mountain without me on any account”! Like it is some Holy Mountain or something if they had just waited for him to get back from some afternoon delight with Elisabeth 1st, maybe the big fight in the third movie (or is it the first, or is it all one movie) when the villagers who just got burnt out of house and home; who might have had a better chance of survival if Captain Jack and the Witchy chick had been in this one too, I mean why didn’t they come help out!? Come help the villagers being burnt out of home (and if they have a house and a home they’re pretty rich, they should just go to the other one!) begging and pleading for their wives, now whether they wanted their wives saved or taken is not quite clear at this point but suffice to say it all might not have happened if the dwarf king had waited for the Wizard Harry, and Smirnoff the bird beard shit wizard to arrive before entering the Holy mountain! And I don’t know why it was even a Holy Mountain, surely they spelled that wrong I mean it was filled with holes, but no sign of Jodorowsky anywhere! There should be like a false advertising law or something out there about just plain old regular mountains with holes in them, you can’t just go around saying they’re holy when they’re only full of holes.
Then the Ocra’s (killer vegetables on legs c’mon I know vegetables aren’t good for you but on legs wielding swords, that part I find unbelievable) come hot on the heels of the villagers to steal the promised gold, seems like they should have just left it all to Smug the magic dragon played Benedict Holmes, I don’t how they got him in that lizard suit it must have been hellish hot, don’t they have unions? Anyway he did good for being smooshed into a giant suit, and the dragon himself seemed ok, he didn’t seem too smug at all, greedy yes. (“My gold you aint getting it… puff”)
And why the hell couldn’t they have just trained that dragon like Malfoi’s twin sister Khaleesi did in the desert in the other film with those 3 dragons she had! Could have saved a lot of trouble. Or even get her to come help, send her a text I’m sure they had private jets on this movie, could have just flown her from the desert movie to the mountain movie.
But thankfully Malfoi’s dad decides to help and after a big fight that had to at least be the length of the credits, the wizard Harry (who looks a lot older than he did in Azkaban movie, how long ago was that one made anyway? I didn’t even know they had 2d back then!) and young Misty Mundae made it all the way back home to throbiton without encountering one scarecrow thanks to the help of the Wizard Smirnoff.
And why is wizard harry looking so much older than Malfoi? Didn’t he say at one point that Malfoi was 200 years old? He must have read wizard Harry’s line, yeah I bet you that’s what happened and they didn’t catch it! Terrible all that money on the budget and making it in spectacular 2Dorama and all and they don’t catch one line like that someone should be fired who’s in charge? oh the director guy, Michael Jackson’s brother right? Well he should bloody know better after all the years their family has been in the business, one line like that could ruin the whole movie! Anyway then young Malfoi decides to bugger off into the wilderness to look for Sean Bean who we already know is dead right I mean he got his head cut off in Winterfell well before chef dude saved the pregnant chick from the inbred harem! So what is the point in that you can’t make another 3 hour movie out of that? wait what?
And one final note “the picture was too sharp I could see the prosthetic” some viewer was caught saying, why do they always ask moron’s? Ok so let’s film the next 3 in analogue blurry video tape make it less sharp, stop making a new ?k cameras every year and oh wait it’s all bloody fake? you didn’t think those ears were real did you?
Seems I was able to keep that straight in my head with no notes, groovy! Oh well that is enough mental onanism for now, time to go spend some time with Bree Olsen and Eric Roberts in the soon to be perceived masterpiece “Human Centipede 3: The final something or other”
© Copyright Owned Giovanni Pistachio, 11/2/2015.