FILMIC SNOB
An Essay
By Martainn Russell.

It was during this years Dead by Dawn horror film festival that I was made aware of a problem that I have.  It’s not a major problem but it could turn into one if I’m not careful.  I think I’m becoming something that I have mocked in the past, something I have looked down upon, something I swore I would never become.  I think I’m becoming a film snob.   AAARGH!!!  Even typing those words made me cringe and make me want to curl up into a ball and hibernate forever.

You see I’m a movie nerd (I may as well admit it now, no point denying it), I sleep, eat breath and shit movies.  So I feel I have a right to go to Dead by Dawn every year and feel like an expert know it all.  But it’s those first timers, those types who think it would be fun to watch a bunch of horror movies all day and all night.  They get right under my skin.  It gets worse when they win the cool prizes at the end of the last day.  Half of them don’t know what the fuck they have won or don’t care and have sold it on Ebay within 24 hours.  They walk off with cool stuff and I end up with Bride of Chucky and the Toxic fucking Avenger.

Let’s put it this way.  Psycho was one of the classics that they screened this year (not the remake you colossal cracker heads) and some of the audience had never seen the fucker before (and they have the audacity to call themselves horror movie fans).  Another example, a horror film festival is going to show extreme movies, so it is safe to assume that the audience likes extreme movies and actively seek them out.  They will read the books and mags, bookmark the websites etc.  So can somebody explain to me how some members of the audience had never seen a Takashi Miike film before?  I still can’t believe it.  There is no excuse.

I thought out loud that there should be some kind of vetting process where if you haven’t seen a certain number and/or kind of movies then you ain’t getting to attend the festival.  You know it makes sense.  But I’m just being elitist and snobby; they have every right to be there, same as me.  But there is a little part in me that wants the whole festival for myself.  It gets worse, when I go to see a regular film I don’t want anyone else in the cinema with me or at the very least no one sitting in front, behind or beside me.  And that’s at least three seats away in front, back or beside me.  I mean I need a chair for my coat and my bag.  You see where I’m coming from.  Cool.  I knew you would understand. Which leads on to some rules that I would enforce if I ever have the fortune to run my own cinema.

  1. No kids under 10 (unless it was a special screening for them on a Sat morning or something).  Question after question comes rushing from their mouths about every little thing that happens on screen and the parents answer every question, it’s like a live running commentary.
  2. No late entry.  And I mean it, as soon as the adverts come on there is no way in hell you are going to get into the cinema, no matter how hard you beg and plead.  No fucking way!
  3. No getting up to get munchies or take a slash after the adverts and trailers are finished and the film is about to start. That’s what the adverts and trailers are there for.  The over priced ticket you paid for is for the movie not the fucking ad’s and trailers, you dumb fucks.
  4. No talking when the film starts,  It’s silence during the ad’s and the trailers and then when the movie begins: yack, yack, yack, blah, blah, blah.  Shut the fuck up or get the fuck out!
  5. Mobile phones.  Why the hell are they switched on when you are out for a night’s entertainment?  Switch them off for a couple of hours for chrissakes!  It ain’t gonna kill you.  Or maybe it would, which would be a good thing for us true cinema lovers.  I would hire people just to watch out for audience members dipping into their pockets or bags for a fly glance at their phone to see if someone has tried to call or text.  Hey I’m guilty of that one myself, so I’ll be forgiving for a while but then it will be an instant throwing out offense (not just the phone, the whole bloody person too).

Another thing I have found myself doing is hating when something I thought I only knew about (I know that it was total bullshit but it gave me a nice warn fuzzy feeling inside) or very few people knew about suddenly becomes public knowledge and everyone jumps onto the bandwagon.  Right now I’m heavily into Japanese horror movies and I’m seeing loads of movies that deserve a bigger audience but part of me doesn’t want that to happen, why? Coz I want to let people know about it.  I want to talk about movies and say something like “Well if you like Ring then you will love this”.  I will then try and show off my knowledge of obscure movies and make out that what I’m saying is real important and means something.  But in the end it’s all a big bunch of bullshit.  I’m just kidding myself on and unfortunately everyone knows it.  Hell, most of them probably think I’m making this shit up (which would be nice, coz I would be writing my own ticket right now if I had).  Here is an example of when this happened.  The film was The Story of Riki.   I came across this movie around about the time I was getting heavily into Jackie Chan films and I purchased a copy of this on the assumption that it was going to be similar to the Chanmeisters stuntfests.  On initial viewing I was a bit disappointed but that disappointment didn’t last too long.  Here was a movie that I had discovered by myself and was able to tell folks about and lend it out and make people wonder what kind of a sick fuck I really was.  And for a while it worked.  But not anymore, now you can buy it totally uncut from any decent DVD stockist.  It’s not fair!

The thing is it’s pure murder trying to tell a non movie buff about the movies that float your boat at any given time.  They don’t share your enthusiasm so you see that glazed look slowly slide across their eyes.  You just want to shout at them, HEY THIS IS IMPORTANT SHIT, SO SIT DOWN AND LISTEN UP.  In the end though it isn’t important, but it is to us.  If you show enthusiasm for something these days you are called a geek or a nerd, if you follow something with a passion then you are boring because you don’t do anything else.  Well, it’s time for that to stop!  From now on I’ll scream from the tallest building about some obscure Japanese horror movie or that Hellboy is one of the coolest films of the year.  There will be no shame.  Only pride.  So should it be for whatever you are into.

Anyway, before this rant turns into whining, moanathon (whaddya mean too late?), it’s time for me to go and watch a film.  What one?  Well you’ve probably not heard of it, it’s an obscure…  Haha got you!

Review By Martainn Russell.
© Owned Martainn Russell  27/09/2004 23:07.

email:-  giovannip@pistachio-films.com

 

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