Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2 (2003/2004)
Quentin Tarantino
Running Times: Too fucking long
Cast: Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Michael Madsen,
Sonny Chiba (to name but a few)

Please note this is a rather shorter review than you would find in these pages but to waste anymore time writing about the Quintmeisters crapathon would be giving him more coverage than he deserves. Also I haven’t done any research for this piece this is all straight from the fucking heart!

Uma gets shot. She survives. Coma. Wakes. Gets revenge. People die. The end

Expectations were always going to be running off the expectometer and if they were to be met it would have to be something totally, completely, utterly outstanding. Kill Bill and its sequel isn’t it. They just ain’t worth the six-year hiatus from directing that he maintains was spent stock piling scripts and writing. If by writing, he means ripping off all your favourite movies, genres, composers and worst of all, his own movies (how far up your own arse can you get?) then I definitely want to be a writer. In an interview, he said this was the kind of film he would like to see. Fair enough. He then went on to say that he wanted to get rid of the boring bits between the action. Again, fair enough, but he’s not actually practising what he’s preaching. There are boring bits and that includes the action scenes (in fact Kill Bill Vol. 2 is one monumental bore)

This kinda stuff has been done before and better. This is like me spouting out about my fave flicks and getting them to pay for it. Nobody gives a shit that I love Shogun Assassin, spaghetti westerns, manga (the animated sequence sucks balls) and kung fu films, so why should we care that Tarantino does as well. Shiiit, if I was given a couple of a million dollars I could have produced a piece of work ten times better than these two cinematic crap fests. Reviews said the first one was bloody as hell. Bullshit with a big bastarding B! Reviews said the fight sequences were exhilarating, yeah right. The fight sequences are a fucking bore and only exhilarating to an audience who can’t spell kung fu movie let alone seen one. You can quote me on that till those bovine beasties haul their asses to that place that there is no place like. The reviews also failed to mention the total lack of tension or excitement evident in the much lauded sword fight where Uma takes on an army of piss poor blade wielding fuckheads. The reason? Well, the Quintster decided to show us a list of all the people that Uma wants to kill and there is Lucy Lui’s characters name scored off! What’s that all about? (Here Giovanni P concurs, at this point why watch the rest of the movie? And fuck the crazy 88 sideways with a slimy samurai sword! We know there all going to die because O- Ren gets the chop, to get to her she has to get past them! This we know! Can we spell tension? Apparently fucking not). So when we get to the sequence in question there is no doubt that she is going to succeed (also the fact there is going to be a sequel kinda makes it obvious as well. Wait a minute, have I just out argued myself out here? Fuck it, it’s a poor decision to make none the less). Also, Mr Twatintino, don’t think that your introducing Shogun Assassin to the world. You ain’t any movie fan worth his salt knows all about it and it’s history. So you can stop patting yourself on the back for that one.

Are there any positives from this miserable experience? Well Uma Thurman is fucking phenomenal, the vicious Japanese schoolgirl is the yummiest trouser dept stirring image I’ve seen at the cinema in a long long time (damn you Tarantino, you indulge in that fetish too). That’s about it really. So Tarantino’s fourth film is a smorgasbord of themes, images music and turnon’s that have floated the Quentmeisters boat for years. And because of who he is, he can get to share them with us all. Great! If that’s all it takes to make a fuckin’ film then I’m gonna make my own. It has to be better than this.

Review By Martainn Russell.
© Owned Martainn Russell .

email:-  giovannip@pistachio-films.com

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