Sequels I Wanna See
Martainn Russell

With sequels and remakes always cramming the cinemas during the summer months, it got me to thinking about sequels and remakes that I would like to see.  And since I want to see these, it’s probably a safe bet that you wouldn’t complain about these turning up at your local multiplex (as long as they were done right).  This is just me getting my rocks off, but if any film exec’s read this and are prepared to give me enough money so I can quit my job and make these movies, please, please get in touch.  Anyway, join me now on a trip to Filmic Fantasy Land.

Why oh why has this not happened already?  This has blockbuster written all over it.  Recognisable theme tune (jazzed up by musician/DJ of the moment), simplistic plot to hang a bunch of memorable scenes/set pieces on to and a group of off the wall characters.  C’mon, get with it Hollywood this needs to happen now.

Now, the purists out there are no doubt saying “No fuckin’ way, the original is a masterpiece that doesn’t need its memory sullied by a sequel, a sequel that will suck donkey dick and swallow.”  But it would be as cool as a polar bear’s bollocks.  The original had an open ending.  Kurt Russell is an imitation who is taken back to civilisation (you name your city of choice), and then all hell breaks loose.  Kurt needs a hit, Carpenter definitely does.  This would be it.

Stallone royally fucked this up and fledgling director (at the time anyway) Danny Cannon bit off more than he could chew.  Just get a scriptwriter who has an inkling for the characters and the locales.  Then get a director who cares about the material and then get an actor who is not afraid to wear a helmet for the whole duration of the piece rather than take it off as quickly as possible.  That’s not too much to ask for is it?

Simple really, set it during the height of summer, have the ‘zilla face another monstrous, mutant menace and let battle commence.  Give it to Jan De Bont to do.  Cease with the wails of derision, I know that the Bonts career has went the way of all shit, but he was attached to this project before Emmerich etc got their cruddy hands on it.  De Bont wanted a monster melee.  He knew what he was on about.  He cared.  Give him a chance.  He needs it, and so do we.

C’mon Brucie, you owe us this one.  Just get John Woo to direct it and leave him the fuck alone to create the Mona Lisa of action movies. Pleeeaaaase!

I keep reading about Batman movies currently in development, but where the fuck are they.  More importantly where the fuck is the Aaronofsky offering.  I nearly drowned in my own saliva at the mouth-watering possibilities that this little beauty offered.  My only casting suggestion would be to get Eastwood out of acting retirement and play a grizzled shattered Batman who doesn’t have a care in the world.  Awesome?  Out of this fucking world more like it.

Or any of the old Sinbad movies for that matter, but this is my favourite so I’m going with it.  On saying that how about Jason and the Argonauts.  Wow!  Hell, with all that CGI that’s being used today they really have no excuse.  It would be a wonderful movie experience and would get the kids into ancient history.  Educate and entertain at the same time, what an idea.

Let’s rid ourselves of the memory of the triple layered shit cake that is Speed 2: Cruise Control.  When I heard that sequel was in the works, I got real excited.  It was gonna be even faster than the first, OTT car chases, an automobile action assault.  Basically it was going to rock.  I told anybody who would listen that it should be called Speed 2: Full Throttle.  But to call it Cruise Control was just plain wrong.  And now that Charlies Angels have hijacked my proposed sub title (and amazingly did fuck all with it) I have come up with Speed 3: Demolition Derby.  Every mode of transport will be driven fast, crashed fast and burned fast.  No name stars, just a bunch of stuntmen in a stuntfest of stunty stunts and a shit load of vehicles that get demolished in chase sequences that will make the Wachowski brothers piss in their pants.

Definitely a product of it’s time and with DVD now the favoured home viewing format, this would be a difficult one to sell.  But I believe, with so much media being pumped into our homes right now, and viewers always on the lookout for something new and different, Videodrome 2 would be a stunning and revelatory experience.  Cronenberg are you listening?  As a small aside while I’m mentioning Cronenberg.  I would love to have seen his version of Basic Instinct 2.  How perverse would it have been?  The mind boggles.

Schumacher really screwed up this film.  A great premise and a cool cast, how could he fail? Well a false, unsatisfying happy ending for a start.  But the main problem was that it did not even attempt to push the envelope.  You can’t play safe when you’re dealing with subject matter like porn and snuff movies.  You play it rough or not at all.  That’s how I would do it.  (Ed Note, think yourself lucky you never saw 8mm 2!  8mm was a masterpiece compared to that piece of manky monkey balls on toast, Giovanni P.)

Controversial Sinatra flick of the sixties, that if re-made today would be just as pertinent as it was back then (inadvertently I know but…). This would be an actors dream project.  No SFX and no extravagant set pieces.  It would be just a group of great actors in one location, talking.  Tension, drama, dialogue to die for, this would be a classic.  I hear Oscar calling!

Ok, so not everyone was a great fan of the third one but I thought it was fucking great.  My idea for a fourth film would make the series come full circle.  You see I would set it in the future and it would show the resistance breaking into the building where they have the time machine and sending the Michael Biehn character into the past.  The final scene of the movie would be the beginning scenes of the original Terminator movie.  Cool or what?  Well, I think it’s a pretty nifty idea.

Mr Lynch you have to make this one.  I want all the characters back and I want every unanswered question answered.  I want a four-hour marathon of balls to the wall weirdness and I want it now.

Well that’s about it and our little jaunt through this tiny part of Filmic Fantasy Land.  Let me know what you think of my ideas.  If you like them cool, if you hate them that’s cool too.  If you have any suggestions to add to this list then please get in touch and maybe, just maybe there will be a sequel.  So long.

Review By Martainn Russell.
© Owned Martainn Russell   31/10/2004 15:21.



One thought on “Sequels I Wanna See, An Essay

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